Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Allow Yourself to Mourn
Your
child has died. You are now faced with the difficult, but important,
need to mourn. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and
feelings regarding the death of your child. It is an essential part of
healing.
With the death of your child, your hopes, dreams and
plans for the future are turned upside down. You are beginning a
journey that is often frightening, painful, and overwhelming. The death
of a child results in the most profound bereavement. In fact, sometimes
your feelings of grief may be so intense that you do not understand
what is happening. This article provides practical suggestions to help
you move toward healing in your personal grief experience.
Realize Your Grief is Unique
Your
grief is unique. No one will grieve in exactly the same way. Your
experience will be influenced by a variety of factors: the relationship
you had with the person who died; the circumstances surrounding the
death; your emotional support system; and your cultural and religious
background.
As a result of these factors, you will grieve in
your own special way. Don't try to compare your experience with that of
other people or to adopt assumptions about just how long your grief
should last. Consider taking a "one-day-at-a-time" approach that allows
you to grieve at your own pace.
Allow Yourself to Feel Numb
Feeling
dazed or numb when your child dies may well be a part of your early
grief experience. You may feel as if the world has suddenly come to a
halt. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions
time to catch up with what your mind has told you.
You may
feel you are in a dream-like state and that you will wake up and none
of this will be true. These feelings of numbness and disbelief help
insulate you from the reality of the death until you are more able to
tolerate what you don't want to believe.
This Death is "Out of Order"
Because
the more natural order is for parents to precede their children in
death, you must readapt to a new and seemingly illogical reality. This
shocking reality says that even though you are older and have been the
protector and provider, you have survived while your child has not.
This can be so difficult to comprehend.
Not only has the death
of your child violated nature's way, where the young grow up and
replace the old, but your personal identity was tied to your child. You
may feel impotent and wonder why you couldn't have protected your child
from death.
Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions
The
death of your child can result in a variety of emotions. Confusion,
disorganization, fear, guilt, anger and relief are just a few of the
emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other
within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.
As
strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and
healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don't be
surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief,
even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be
frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a
natural response to the death of your child. Find someone who
understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.
Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits
Your
feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your
ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your
low-energy level may naturally slow you down.
Respect what
your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest.
Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring
for yourself doesn't mean feeling sorry for yourself it means you are
using survival skills.
Talk About Your Grief
Express
your grief openly. When you share your grief outside yourself, healing
occurs. Ignoring your grief won't make it go away; talking about it
often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart,
not just your head. Doing so doesn't mean you are losing control or
going "crazy." It is a normal part of your grief journey.
Watch Out for Clichés
Clichés--trite
comments some people make in attempts to diminish your loss--can be
extremely painful for you to hear. Comments like, "You are holding up
so well," "Time heals all wounds," "Think of what you have to be
thankful for" or "You have to be strong for others" are not
constructive. While these comments may be well-intended, you do not
have to accept them. You have every right to express your grief. No one
has the right to take it away.
Develop a Support System
Reaching
out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly
when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can
do at this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends
and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Seek out
those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your
feelings -- both happy and sad.
A support group may be one of
the best ways to help yourself. In a group, you can connect with other
parents who have experienced the death of a child. You will be allowed
and gently encouraged to talk about your child as much, and as often,
as you like.
Sharing the pain won't make it disappear, but it
can ease any thoughts that what you are experiencing is crazy, or
somehow bad. Support comes in different forms for different people --
support groups, counseling, friends, faith -- find out what combination
works best for you and try to make use of them.
Embrace Your Treasure of Memories
Memories
are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of a child. You
will always remember. Instead of ignoring these memories, share them
with your family and friends.
Keep in mind that memories can
be tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring
laughter, smile. If your memories bring sadness, then it's all right to
cry. Memories that were made in love -- no one can take them away from
you.
Gather Important Keepsakes
You
may want to collect some important keepsakes that help you treasure
your memories. You may want to create a memory book, which is a
collection of photos that represent your child's life. Some people
create memory boxes to keep special keepsakes in. Then, whenever you
want, you can open your memory box and embrace those special memories.
The reality that your child has died does not diminish your need to
have these objects. They are a tangible, lasting part of the special
relationship you had with your child.
Embrace Your Spirituality
If
faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to
you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your
religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of the death of your
child, realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find
someone to talk with who won't be critical of whatever thoughts and
feelings you need to explore.
You may hear someone say, "With
faith, you don't need to grieve." Don't believe it. Having your
personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and
explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite
problems to build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your
grief as well.
Move toward Your Grief and Heal
To
restore your capacity to love you must grieve when your child dies. You
can't heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief
will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your
grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen
quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and
tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of your child
changes your life forever. It's not that you won't be happy again, it's
simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were before the
child died.
The experience of grief is powerful. So, too, is
your ability to help yourself heal. In doing the work of grieving, you
are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in your life.